Lost
Toy Poodle, answers to the name of "Mr. Snuggles"
Last seen playing near motorway.
Reward!
Found
Flattened dog found on motorway.
May have been a Poodle.
Ref: EX K9
Starting This week!
Fishing With Hand-Grenades Course
The course covers all aspects of unorthodox angling including:
Mortars and Salmon
Carp with Exocet
Tench and Flame-Throwers (beginners)
Canine Investigations Ltd.
Require discreet dogs to train for under cover investigations.
All breeds considered.
Must be willing to learn disguise and surveillance techniques.
Sorry - no leg humpers considered.
For Sale:
Assassin's Rifle
Includes case and telescopic sight.
Used once. Seller going into witness protection programme hence must sell.
Box 991/0
Dog Grooming Service
Golden Retriever highlights kit
Streaks and tinting no problem
Alsation crew cuts
Jack Russell Mohawk
free estimates
Box 990/1
For Sale:
Inflatable Shop
Includes electric pump, awning and counter.
Ideal for carboot sales etc.
Box 987/2
James Blunt CD
"You're Beautiful"
Good condition except for vomit stain
Ref: 8888
U2's Bono
"I'm Disappearing Up My Own Bottom"
DVD
£ 3.00
For Sale
Jinxed Death Car
Seven fatalities so far
Lots of repair work to body
£ 350 o.n.o.
Ref $$
Hire-A-Sibling
Brothers and sisters available for immediate hire at reasonable rates. Some twins available.
Box 989/0
Claims-Up-U
Had an accident?
Want to make easy money?
Accidents arranged while U wait. Bizarre and freak accidents are our speciality. Lightning strikes, lion maulings, locust plagues no problem.
2- 4 - 1 sale this week only.
www.ambulancechasers.com
Flea Rental Business For Sale:
Includes all current stock, training ring, whips and apparatus.
Saddles by special arrangement.
Box 455/0
Easy-Slappers Dating Agency
Hot Chix Waiting 4 U
Large Selection Of
Bitter Old Bags
Gold-Diggers
Dirty Trollops
Gobby Chavs
Giraffe Neck Alterations Done While U Wait
Bespoke Service
No Blood
Box 4490
Qualified Motionless Person
Available 24 hours
Ask for Gerry
Box 209
For Sale
Cheesy Grin
Will swap for grimace or pout
Clairvoyant/Fortune Teller Business For Sale:
Includes all stock, crystall ball and salon in prominent position..
Owner selling due to unforseen circumstances. Very old joke forces sale.
Box ?????
Ivor Biggun Ltd.
Cheap joke and pun specialists.
Contact Hugh Jardon
Box 616/0
Crocodile Wrangling Business For Sale
Trading as Make It Snappy Ltd.
Loss of right leg forces reluctant sale.
Blood soaked Safari suit available.
Box 889/0
Dog Lengthening Service
Home visits not a problem.
Don't struggle on with a short dog...do something today!
Box K9K9K9
Mobile Psychiatrist
(Own Van)
Madness, personality disorders or just fed up?
No job too small.
Split personalities charged double
Box 777/7
Old Granny Breaking For Spares
Most parts available except Cerebellum (sold last week).
Spleen, heart and major organs all in good nick for age.
Theo Kojak
Body double available for special occasions, birthdays etc. Has own police car with red flashing light. (Lollipop extra)
Can also do Columbo but two weeks notice required.
Box 555/11
Man Required Three Days A Week To Be Peevish - Local Jobs Only
Generous Terms
Call In Person At The Big Hall
Wedding Saboteur
Competitive Rates
Chaos Assured
I Also Sabotage Funerals To Order
Ref: 569
Beligerent Person Wanted For Call Centre Duties
Immediate Start
Must Have Attitude Problem And Own Headset
Ref: 341
For Sale
Eiffel Tower full sized replica.
Would suit a person with a large garden or owner of a Parisian boulevard.
Comes in cardboard box maked "Hoax".
Box 889/5
For Sale
Taj Mahal full sized replica.
Comes in cardboard box marked "Another Hoax "
Box 889/5
For Sale
UFO Owner's Manual
Avoid Roswell type incidents with proper maintenance.
(English translation)
Box 111/000
Previous Life Detective Agency
Find out about your previous lives. Absolute guarantee of confidentiality. War crimes protection included.
Box 789/123
Gullible People Required For Immediate Start.
Must have own personality
Would consider a slightly curious person or a fat slob.
Wages £ 1000 per hour
Apply in person at the north pole
(collar and tie optional)
Time Waster Required
Re-advertised due to person who didn't understand previous advert.
Box 342
Part Time Surgeon Requires Work
Recently re-instated by BMA
Definitely no drink problem
Limbs amputated in your own home.
Save £££££££s
All latest methods employed including three slugs of Red Eye. All fees include accidental death insurance.
Boxes 998 to 1245/1
For Sale
Collection Of 27 Live Polar Bears
(All In White)
Unwanted Gift
Buyer Collects
Ref: 90
Build Your Own Policeman Kit
Ideal for patrol or front door duties. Salutes as you arrive home. Ideal security device to deter burglars.
Box LO LO LO
Flatterers And Grovellers wanted.
May consider ego massager if pushed.
Must be able to pander on demand.
No Time Wasters.
Box 778/9
Are You Meek?
World inheritence waiting for right applicant.
Box 446/0000000
Invisible Person Required For Secret Duties
Salary negotiable
Experience essential.
No opaque or slightly fuzzy people please. Strictly no faders. Would consider a blurred person if they had suitable references. Ideally the successful applicant will be quite sneaky, two faced and smell of cat urine. Volvo owner preferred.
Please enclose your photo with application.
Box 9900
For Sale
Getaway Car
Jaguar 3.4 as seen on "The Sweeney" TV Series
Slight problem on cold starts otherwise good runner.
Sale includes contents of boot: 4 black boiler suits, 4 ice hockey masks, 4 black holdalls, bank manager's wife and various ropes.
Long prison sentence forces reluctant sale.
For Sale
Dr. SafeKrutch
Kevlar Jockstrap
Mink lined
Never used - still in box
Would suit a person who enjoys wearing mink lined kevlar jockstraps.
Box 49
Dog Found!
At greyhound stadium last Tuesday night
Wearing muzzle and funny jacket when found. Also found, a man in a white coat carrying a dog lead.
Please ring 0114 100000 and ask for "Busy Body"
Mad Professor Wanted
Must speak jibberish with a slight German accent. Wild haircuts preferred but not essential.
White coat provided.
Box 691......?
Business For Sale
The Invisible Clothing Company Ltd.
Makers of the finest invisible clothing for three hundred years. Owner selling due to compulsive liar syndrome.
Box 478/-0
For Sale
HMS Ark Royal
Currently docked in Royal Navy yard. Buyer must have cash and no imagination.
No suspicious people please.
Sale includes ship's Captain and large sack.
Re-advertised due to time waster.
Box 556/--00
St. Patrick's Day Dance
To be held on St. Andrew's day to avoid the crush
Latvian Folk Group
Welsh Male Voice Choir
Haggis Buffet
Porridge
Sorry No Guinness
Venue To Be Kept Secret
The Royal Oak, Snatchem Village
Witch Burning Night
Next Thursday
Come early to avoid missing Ducking Stool
Bar-B-Q
Bouncing Castle/Inflatable Dungeon
Post - Burning Karaoke
Travelling Minstrel
Inquisition Style Pub Quiz
Free Gallows
12 Foot Pigeon For Sale
Buyer Collects.
( Please bring 13 foot box)
Box 467
Trained Horse For Sale
Excellent At Maths But Geography Not So Good
Hence Reduced Price
Must Clear
Sexist Local Company
Requires young woman with big knockers and nice, pert little bottom to head our new equal opportunities programme. All applicants must be up for it and enjoy being spanked by our gaffer. Must have working knowledge of Sex Discrimination Act and long flowing blond hair.
Heavy drinker preferred.
Strictly No Fat Mingers.Ref: 38 24 36
Lighthouse Keeper Required For Glam Rock Lighthouse
Would suit someone who likes revolving, bright lights.
Knowledge of foghorns an advantage.
No people with Brasso allergies. Must like spiral stairs and pipe smoking.
Rfe 0000(9)
The Happy Garden Nudist Colony
Bacon slicer for sale - hardly used
Don't ask!
The Happy Garden Nudist Colony
An unexpected vacancy has arisen for a chef to work in our newly cleaned kitchens.
Wanted !
Reliable Person To Write In Luminous Italics For No Particular Reason.
Ability to use unnecessary multiple exclamation marks an advantage!!!!
Also wanted - girlie cute writing specialist
***THANX***
Apply
Box 7000
Reliable Person Wanted For Hideous Medical Experiments.
Applicants must have high pain threshold or inaudible voice.
Gross disfigurement guaranteed
No inquisitive families asking awkward questions please.
Box 3009
For Sale
Blank Spaces Business
Sale includes full stock of blank spaces, gaps and general omissions. Would suit nutter to run part-time.
Large car park available.
Apply Box ______
Large brightly coloured avertising space for sale.Buyer must provide own writing.
Hyphons - not - required.
Box T
Large Three-Bedroom flat available for rent
No gorillas please.
Large deposit in cash required. Strictly no chimps or primates at all under any circiumstances.
Please don't ask about apes either.
Box 7789
Prompt Removal Of Unwanted Relatives
Same-Day Friendly Service
Efficient Disposal
Guaranteed No Screams
Cast Iron Alibis Provided
No fees payable until after inquest and reading of will
Granny-Away Services Ltd
Join The Enemies Reunited Website
Find out what your old adversaries are up to
Get in touch and then get even
Track them down - wipe them out
Vengeance can be yours today
www.takethatyouswine.com
Wanted:
Fat Bloke For Special Project
Parrot Owner Preferred
Discretion Assured
Box 1
South American National Anthem For Sale
Very Lengthy And Quite Annoying
Used In Last World Cup
Military Take-Over Forces Reluctant Sale
Contact El Presidente
Box 5889
Hot Air Baloon Pilot's Course
Starts on Monday
Only lighter than air people need apply.
Strictly no fat people or persons liable to spontaneously combust.
Ref: Hindenburg Aviation
Auction This Week Of Trusting Persons Property
Everything must go
No offer refused
Early return from holiday may cancel sale.
All bidders must be able to squeeze through small window.
Ref 678
Cliffs delivered same day.
30 feet to 300 feet height available.
Other geographical features in stock for immediate delivery
* Lakes
* Mountains
* Valleys (subject to survey)
* Uplands and Tors
Also large stock of spelling mistakes
Box 569****
J. Gormless & Sun
Kwality Sine-Riters
Locul Furm
Awl Worck Garinteed
Cheep Raits
Free Estimuts
Kontakt J. Gormless orr our Darun
Box 566 or Box 567 if weer out