George W. Bush Angry At Court Decision
The American government has been rocked by a decision ratified by the European Community Court Of Human Rights, which has granted backdated copyright to all member states for the exclusive use and licensing of their respective languages. The order has been approved by the United Nations and is now international law requiring all countries affiliated to the U.N. to comply with the new regulations.
These directives follow a chance discovery of a document by staff at the British Museum who were carrying out research into the American Declaration of Independence. It appears that the original signatories to the Declaration of Independance agreed in writing to a license for the use of the English language, fees to be paid to the British government. In short the document requires the American government to pay royalties to the British for the use of the English language.
George Washington (click on the photo for the actual signing)
Unfortunately no such fees have yet been paid and as the charges are based on volume the amount outstanding is said to be colossal and is estimated to be in excess of 300 billion dollars plus interest back-dated to 1776. The court's decision is binding and leaves the Bush administration in chaos. An additional ruling that the Americans must stop using English until the debt is paid has exacerbated the problem.
In London the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, has sent Mr. Bush a direct debit mandate but as yet it has not been returned. Until all the money owing is paid in full the Americans cannot legally use English.
Tony Blair 
Other countries have offered to help and have generously suggested that the Americans may use their languages if necessary. The French have said that they are "open to negotiation" and the Germans have added that they are willing to prepare a rescue mission should the need arise. The Italians have left on their answer phone .
Mr. Bush has remained tight lipped, as he cannot make any statement in English without first paying a royalty. He did however use hand signals in a recent interview with CNN to show his feelings on the matter.
Mr. Bush pictured during an interview with CNN proudly shows off a cut out of Tony Blair
(which he made himself)
During a frosty trans-Atlantic telephone conversation with Tony Blair, Mr. Bush communicated his government's displeasure by constantly tutting and saying the only French expression he knows "Sacre bleu!". This expression had been the subject of much late night haggling with the French government who managed to swap the expression in exchange for a lifting of the American trade sanctions on French wine.
French wine grower Monsieur Cliche celebrates the American deal.
Other governments are pitching in with claims of their own. An angry Scottish Parliament voted overwhelmingly in favour of a claim to the Americans for the use of the word MacDonald's, as well as Tarmac, Whisky, and Sean Connery. According to independent experts these words alone will be very lucrative.
The French government have gone in to a hastily arranged emergency five-hour lunch in order to decide their strategy. Sources close to Mr. Chirac say that he entered the proceedings rubbing his hands and smiling. It is thought that the expressions "Je voudrais un burger" and "Deja vous" could be worth millions.
Jacques Chirac, Tony Blair and Gerhard Schroder hear the news.
The Irish have claimed that the new ruling covers the use of the word Guinness and they are claiming damages and demanding future royalties.
The question remains that should negotiations between Mr. Bush and the British government break down, which language will the Americans use in the future? There have already been offers made by Greece, Russia and Iceland. The Icelandic government have offered exclusive rights to their language for an undisclosed one-off payment plus free use, by all its citizens, of the facilities at Disneyland. Mr. Bush is said to be considering all offers including one made by the Apache tribe. This deal could see the return of all land stolen by white settlers, which in effect would mean that the whole of the white American population would have to move to Israel.
I will bring you more news as it comes in.
President George W. Bush (roll over the picture for a comment from the President)
STOP PRESS: PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH HAS PUT THE WHITE HOUSE UP FOR SALE IN ORDER TO PAY OFF DEBTS TO THE BRITISH......
SIR RICHARD BRANSON HAS VIEWED THE PROPERTY AND IS LIKELY TO MAKE AN OFFER.
SIR RICHARD SAID " YES I HAVE VIEWED THE PROPERTY AND LIKED IT EXCEPT FOR THE CURTAINS AND I'M GOING TO TURN THE OVAL OFFICE INTO POOL ROOM".....SOURCES REPORT.
2002-2003 Dennis Hanna