Ten Helpful Hints For Grumpy Old Men
1. If a double glazing person telephones you, pretend you can't speak English, better still tell them that you live in a windowless underground bunker formerly used by the Ministry Of Defence. A few months ago I used this ploy and I was amazed when the double glazing girl asked if I'd like a quote for a conservatory. A friend of mine told me of an excellent ploy to use when dealing with double glazing telephone canvassers and that is to tell them that your house is a council property. That way they will view you as a waste of time and take you off their database, leaving you in peace.
2. When driving in town always carry a walking stick. This is useful if you can't find a parking place as you can park on yellow lines to nip into the newsagents. Remember though to put on a huge limp if you're being watched by a traffic warden. It's also useful if you become a victim of road rage. If an irate person cuts in front of you and gets out looking for an argument, you simply get out of your car with the walking stick and fake an appalling injury. The sight of your Douglas Bader walk will shame the angry motorist back into his BMW. Failing this you can bop him on the head with the thick end of the stick.
3. If your kids are constantly asking you for money, construct a large wooden box and disguise it as a cash machine. Install a two way intercom and tell the kids to ask the machine for money. Hide inside the box and when your mercinary offspring demand cash simply tell them, via the intercom, that they are overdrawn and cannot have further funds. At least they'll know how you feel when you go to the bank.
4. Never try to be trendy and offer a challenge to a kid to beat him on his Play Station. You never will.
5. Don't worry if you're being introduced to your children's friends for the first time and they look at you and laugh.
6. Never dance at a wedding disco, especially if there is someone present with a video camera. If you're put under pressure to dance get your walking stick from the car and do the Douglas Bader routine.
7. Never ask your friend, who's just got a new job as a salesman at an pensions company, "How's it going?"
8. Never volunteer to pick the kids up from a late night party. They will assume that you are now their own personal taxi driver on call twenty-four hours a day....free of charge of course.
9. Never go shopping. Shops are places that are not meant for grumpy old men like us. If you don't believe me watch how you're treated by the assistant at the counter. She will be so nice and polite to everyone before and after you but when dealing with you she will take on the persona of Attilla the Hun with a headache. Face it we're just not welcome.
10. Always carry a small radio that has it's own earpiece. That way if things become too intolerable you can go into your own little world of Radio Four. They have some good programmes you know, and The Shipping Forecast.